NutCrack
by Lord Pikachu
Summary: Join Zexion on his amazing (and extremely bizarre) adventure through the story of the classic Nutcracker ballet! On his way, he will meet many interesting people (who may or may not be somewhat insane alternate versions of his own colleagues).


_Author's Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS! And what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior than with an obscure parody starring Zexion? _

_CORRECT! There is no better method__!_

_ Enjoy!_

_EDIT: Please ignore the review left by 'me' in the review section. That was a sibling of mine using my account; I'm not that pathetic, I promise!_

* * *

**NutCrack**

* * *

"...Yawn... Oh... it's Christmas today, isn't it? Awesome. Though I had better get up and head for the tree before the others get into all the good stu-"

_Once upon a time,__ many years ago, in Germany-_

"AH! W-Who said that?! Wait, I'm not in my bed! Where-

_it was Christmas Eve at the Stahlbaum's house._

"What the- where am I?! Who's talking like that?! Is this some kind of sick new trick Axel?!_ Real nice_ pulling this on Christmas, man! Show yourself!"

_ Their grand home was plastered with holly and decorated with a plethora of amazing and beautiful Christmas ornaments; wreathes, stockings, bells, and mistletoe were just the beginning of the vast array of festive knick-knacks displayed._

"I don't CARE! Are you reading some kind of storybook or something?! Get out here and face me!"

_ Other, oft-unused kinds of memorabilia also graced the interior of the home; such as small makeshift mangers; abacuses (abacusi?); and stuffed donkeys._

"...I just realized that I'm wearing a dress; what the HELL is going on here?!"

_Though the most majestic decoration of all (but it must be admitted, it was a tough call once they brought those stuffed donkeys in,) was the grand Christmas tree - laced with ornaments - that was placed in the center of the living room. The beautiful pine plant shone with a such a radiance, it seemed as if it came down from Heaven itself._

"I'm still waiting on my answer here!"

_Shut up. It isn't your cue yet._

Well! Finally talking to me now?! And what do you mean by 'cue' anyway?!"

_Just play your part!_

"'Play my part'?! Where am I, and where the hell are my clothes?!

_Shut up._

_As the Stahlbaum's prepare for their annual Christmas party, their children, Fritz and Clara, wait anxiously for their family and friends to arrive._

"..."

"..."

"I'm so anxious."

_When the guests finally appear-_

"Wait a minute; that just sunk in... Clara and FRITZ? What the crap kind of name is-"

"Clara!" Yelled the children's father from somewhere off. "I gave you this lecture before! Do you need to listen to it AGAIN?!"

"Luxord?!" Clara screamed, "where the hell did you come from?!"

"Don't talk to your father that way young lady! I'm the one in charge here!"

_Actually, the Narrator begs to differ. Neither you, nor the the young lady, are in charge. The Narrator is the one pulling the strings behind-_

"I'M NOT A LADY!" Clara yelled out, stamping her foot. "Stop calling me Clara! I am Number VI; Zexion! And where the **** am I?!"

_Shut up. The Narrator now would like to advance the plot of this story. So calm your fat ugly head, and be quiet__._

"Story?! What kind of game are you playing here?!"

_Shut up so that the Narrator may move on from here. Just do as you are told and there will be no need to annihilate you._

"Annihilate ME?! Hah! You think you can just so easily beat ME?! Fool! I'll take you on if you can come up with the guts to show yourself!"

_Don't push the Narrator; he is bigger than you._

"No matter; size doesn't deter me you pompous, idiotic-

_BOOOMMM!_

Clara paused, and turned around. "...That... is a very large crater..." she noted. "...Alright, what do you want?"

_As was said; do as you are told; and play your part._

"Fine... I'll play along, but I better go free after that."

* * *

_The Christmas party the Stahlbaums hosted picked up with fun dancing and lively celebration. All present there were happy, merry, and quite certainly stoned. The Narrator will cockily bet any amount of money that more dishes were shattered at this party than in a Tom and Jerry cartoon._

_Though since everyone was intoxicated to the point that they wouldn't even feel it if Desmond Miles came in and went all Assassin's Creed on them, the shards of glass scattered over the floor were met, for the most part, with little to no reaction._

_Except for those at the party who were minors. (Then again, did that no-drinking rule apply in those days? Eh, whatever.)_

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Clara grunted in pain as she walked across the booby-trapped floor, trying to find a spot in the house that didn't have an unpleasant array of needles protruding from it. "You didn't tell me I would need insurance for this!"

**[This section of Lord Pikachu's 'NutCrack' has been deleted by a moderator for containing political humor nobody wants to hear about]**

_Right after Clara had finally found a comfortable chair that nobody had laced with glass or vomited upon, a mysterious guest arrived dressed in dark clothing._

"Clara! My godchild! My lovely, lovely godchild! Hello little one!" The man said when he saw the girl. "Give us hug my sweet!" He held out his arms and smiled.

"...And just what have YOU been smoking, Xemnas?" Clara asked, frowning.

_Just get up and give him a hug!_

"No way! It's a minefield out there."

_Just then, the chair she was sitting on disappeared!_

"Oof! Ow! You stupid little-"

"Clara..."

"Shut _up_ Luxord!"

"Don't talk to your father that wa-"

_The mysterious man in dark clothes frightened Fritz._

"...Uh... Boo. Be frightened, little one." Said the man to Fritz.

"Huh?" Fritz turned from where he was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on his IPhone. "Oh. Uh... Ahh. Clara. There is a man here with dark clothing. He scares me. hallllp."

_But Clara was not afraid._

"Hey, isn't that Ax- oh whatever. Do not worry Axel- eh, Fritz." Clara assured her brother, "it is only Godfather Dreeselmyer. Uh... 'Dressermile'... Um... 'Drisselmayor'.

"Who?"

"He's a stupid toy maker, a twit, a burden to society, and we love him very much!"

"Oh. Okay then." Fritz went back to his program.

_The surprise arrival of Drosselmeyer is warmly accepted and all the children dance and carry on with laughter._

"..."

"..."

_Ahem; his surprise arrival is warmly accepted and all the children dance and carry on with laughter._

"...When Hell freezes over," said Clara.

_Sometime later, the celebration is interrupted again when Drosselmeyer reveals to the children that he has brought them gifts._

"I have brought you all gifts from my very own toy shop!" The gray toy manufacturer announced. "And may I just say that they are very special gifts indeed! They are all hand-crafted, with the rarest ingredients known to mortal men! Plus, with my expert hands and skill, they come out to have astonishing quality! You'll never find anything like this in one those awful 'factories' popping up all over! Each and every one is crafted with the most loving care and attenti-"

"Yeah, yeah, enough of the ad campaigning old man and bring my gift!" Clara demanded.

"Alright! Alright."

_The girls received beautiful china dolls and the boys received bugles._

_Fritz is given a beautiful drum._

"Hah! I'm special Clara! I told you I was the favorite!" Fritz bragged as he cuddled his instrument with questionable enjoyment. "I get my fancy drum, and you just get-"

_But Clara is given the best gift of all, a beautiful, hand-made Nutcracker._

"Hah! Suck THAT, loser. Who's special now?" Clara stuck out her tongue and smacked her bum at her brother, acting in a fashion just a micrometer more mature than a 12 year old on a Call of Duty server.

_Fritz grew red in the face with jealousy and envy for Clara's new toy. He snatched the Nutcracker from her hands._

"Hey, don't mind sharing, do you?" Fritz laughed as he tossed the toy up and down.

"Hey! Give that back you little slimeball! Hey! Hey!"

"Nah! Nah! You're too short to even reach it!" Fritz laughed and played a game of catch with the other boys using Clara's lovely new toy. Sibling relationships in these stories are just amazing.

_It wasn't long until Fritz threw the Nutcracker just a bit too far, and it broke._

"...Go long! Go long Roxas! Go- oops... Sorry ma'am!

_Clara is upset._

"Why am I upset? If it's busted, the old man can just make me another one, can't he?"

"'Just make you another one'?!" Drosselmeyer gasped in disgust at Clara's presumptuous suggestion. "Have you no respect for my efforts?! Do you realize what went IN to that Nutcracker?! You think I can 'just make you another one'?! How about YOU travel down to the Kokiri Forest to gather wood from The Great Deku Tree to 'just make you another one'?! How about YOU brave vile monsters and giant spiders on the path to Mordor to get ancient silk from the servants of the demonic Sauron to 'just make you another one'?! How about YOU gather the souls of 99 Kishin and a Witch to 'just make you another one'?! How about YOU follow the Yellow Brick Road ALL the way to the Emerald City to-"

"ALRIGHT! I get it! Then just FIX it!"

"Very well my dear."

_Drosselmeyer fixed the nutcracker with a handkerchief._

"...How did you do that...?" Clara asked.

"...Oh, you know... 'Magic'." Drosselmeyer laughed and went to find some liquor.

"...Freak..."

_Meanwhile, it was getting very late, and the toymaker's nephew offered Clara a small make-shift bed under the Christmas tree for her injured Nutcracker._

"That's a basket Saïx," Clara deadpanned.

"Shut up and put the doll in."

* * *

_After many hours of merry and drunken partying, Clara and Fritz grew weary of watching the adults play Mario Party and found themselves very sleepy._

"Yawn... I'm tired Fritz, let's go to bed."

"You don't give me orders!"

"Yes I do..."

"On what grounds?!"

"Well, within the context of this nightmare, I'm a girl."

"Oh, yeah."

_And so the children retired upstairs for the night, leaving Drosselmeyer yelling at the Nintendo 64 as the accursed Chance Time stole two of his stars away._

"Curse you Yoshi! Curse you and all your many thousands of descendants who appear throughout many, many more subsequent Mario games that are successors to this! CURSE! YOOOOOOOU!"

* * *

_Late, late that night, after the party had ended, and the Stahlbaum's guests had gone off to be drunk elsewhere, Clara woke up worrying about the state of her nutcracker._

"Actually, I was playing my 3DS..." the girl noted, popping out from under the covers. "Pokemon X is better than thought it would be."

_Ahem; Late, late that night, after the party had ended and the Stahlbaum's guests had gone off to be drunk elsewhere, Clara woke up worrying about the state of her nutcracker._

"Alright, alright; yawn. I'm so tired. But I need to check on my Nutcracker."

_ So Clara quietly snuck downstairs into the living room to do just that._

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" She yelped as she stepped on the awful shards of glass yet again. "My 'parents' seem wealthy; why didn't they have a stinking maid clean this up?! Oh, whatever..."

_Looking down into the 'bed' Drosselmeyer's nephew 'gingerly' placed under the Christmas tree as a resting place for her toy, Clara looked to find the Nutcracker safe, and in the same condition she had left it._

"I'm so happy. Can I go back to my game now?"

_Picking up the doll, and hugging it close, Clara ends up falling asleep under the Christmas tree with the Nutcracker in her arms._

"...So when do you think I should drive the knife through my chest? Now? Or when we're all done?"

_Just do it._

"Fine..."

_And so she slept._

_At the stroke of midnight Clara woke up to a frightening scene. The house, the tree and the toys seem to be getting larger._

"Wait, I'm supposed to be frightened by THIS? Please!" Clara snorted as the room and all the objects and furniture in it continued to grow. "I've been to Wonderland - this is nothing new. Look, how about you wake me up when the guy bleeding out his eyeballs and swinging a chainsaw comes in, alright? I'm going back to bed now."

_ At the stroke of midnight Clara woke up to a frightening scene. The house, the tree and the toys seem to be getting larger._

"Look, I told you, come with something scarier, or I-"

_At the stroke of midnight Clara woke up to a frightening scene. The house, the tree and the toys-_

"ALRIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Clara screeched. She then sighed deeply, and said, "Ahh. What is going on? Is the room growing? Or am I shrinking? What is going on? ...Happy?"

_Just then, out of nowhere large mice dressed in army uniforms, marched into room. They brandished large, dangerous weapons._

"AHHH!" Clara screamed, (this time genuinely). "What the **** are those?! Someone call the ******* exterminator!"

_It was the Mouse Army! Headed by the Mouse King himself!_

"'Mouse Army'?! What drug was this guy on when he penned this?!"

_The Mouse King approached Clara, along with his assistant, a squire. The squire made a deep, sweeping bow._

"Like, hi, Clara ma'am dude." The squire greeted while holding that probably very uncomfortable position. "My master wants me to like, explain his purposes and stuff."

_Clara just stared._

"...What, ma'am dude...?" the squire asked.

"What the HELL is wrong with your ears, Xigbar...?!" Clara looked disgustedly at the two growths on the sides of the squire's head.

"They're like... mouse ears bro... Isn't that obvious...?"

"...Never mind," Clara shook her head, "what do you want? And why did I shrink?"

Ignoring the second question the girl asked, the squire pulled an Ipad out of the magic bottomless bag he and the Mouse King had stolen from a weird blonde elf and his annoying squeaky fairy. He then began to read the speech he had prepared:"Dude, his Royal Majesty the King of Micedom would be like soooooo honored if you would... like... take his hand in holy matrimony dude... Because that would like be awesome and stuff, and it would make him really happy dude. Right, your Majesty dude? ...Your Majesty dude?"

"And there's 150 Pokemon for all to see! To be a Pokemon Master is my- destiny! Yea- Ah!" The Mouse King jumped as his squire tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled down his oversized, manga-style headphones. "...Uh, yeah, what he said," the king nodded approvingly at his servant.

"Wait a minute... DEMYX?!" Clara screamed. "OH! OHOHO! I GET IT _NOW_! THIS WAS ALL A PLOT SO YOU COULD GET A KICK OUT OF SOME 'SMEXY ZEMYX SLASH', ISN'T IT?! _ISN'T IT?!_ SHOW YOURSELF, YOU SICK BASTARD!"

_Calm your fat ugly head. You don't actually marry him._

"...Oh... Good." Clara looked around. "...Well, now what?!"

_All of a sudden, the Mouse King and his squire are knocked aside by a flash and the swing of giant key!_

"Woah! Ow, dude! I just got like... knocked aside and all! ...Radical..."

"AHHHHH!" The Mouse King had been knocked all the way into the mouth of a puppy Clara was to receive for Christmas that day. Poor guy. "SQUIRE! SAVE ME!" The vermin monarch screeched as he wriggled within the jaws of the pup.

"Like, right away Your Majesty dude!" The squire rushed off to help his master.

_Meanwhile Clara looked about to see who or what had saved her._

"Um, yo! Who saved me... and all?" She asked, looking around.

_When she saw who it was that rescued her, she gasped._

"XION?! The HELL?! You're USELESS! Why you of all peop-"

_It was her Nutcracker; but it was now as tall as she was!_

"Milady," the Nutcracker bowed, "it would be an honor to guard you from the claws of this scoundral."

"This is a Sarkeesian thing... isn't it?" Clara asked, looking up in the air.

"So it was YOU who nearly killed the king of micedom, hm?" The Mouse King had emerged from his slobbery bath, and was seeking vengeance. "You shall pay! And then the lady shall become my wife!"

"Are you blind, you idiot!" Clara yelled. "Look at me! I'm not a lady!"

_Clara's Nutcracker grouped the various toys from around the tree into battle formation and fought the mouse army._

"Forward!" Shouted the Nutcracker, "protect Clara at all costs!"

_And so, the great battle began! Many toys and mice alike were cruelly killed at one anothers' hands._

"...Thanks a lot... Now I'm going to have nightmares about Vexen creating a possessed Christmas Elmo that beats ME to death with a Lego." Clara groaned as she watched the furry red toy fight with seemingly uncharacteristic ferocity.

_Over the course of the battle, the Mouse King traps the Nutcracker in the corner, and the Nutcracker cannot overcome the King's strength. _

"Dance water dance!" Using the saliva he and clothes are soaked with, the Mouse King creates a terrifying whirlpool! The monstrous vortex begins consuming ornaments, furniture, and even some of the toys!

"No!" Clara's Nutcracker yells as her Keyblade is sucked into the vortex of swirling water, leaving her defenseless against the Mouse King.

"Finish her, Squire!" The Mouse King commands, pointing his sitar towards the Nutcracker.

"Right away, Your Majesty dude!" The Squire prepares his arrowgun, firing in 3... 2... 1-

_Clara made a final desperate move to save her Nutcracker from defeat and threw her slipper at the Mouse King's Squire. _

"..."

_Ahem; Clara made a final desperate move to save her Nutcracker from defeat and threw her slipper at the Mouse King's Squire. _

"...I'm wearing socks..."

_Fine; Clara made a final desperate move to save her Nutcracker from defeat and threw her sock at the Mouse King's Squire. _

"Alright then; hyah." Clara launched the cloth projectile.

"Hm?" The Squire looked to the side as the sock landed beside him, and misfired; shooting the whirlpool and making it burst!

"GAHHHHH!" the Mouse King screamed as he and his army are washed away. Leaving the Nutcracker and the toys to claim victory!

"We have won!" The Nutcracker proclaimed, raising her Keyblade skyward.

"Physics-wise... that just now was completely impossible..." Clara noted.

* * *

_After the Nutcracker made certain that the Mouse King and all his servants were gone, Clara fell onto the Nutcracker's bed, over-whelmed by the moment. _

"That sounds suggestive... No way."

_Ahem; After the Nutcracker made certain that the Mouse King and all his servants were gone, Clara fell onto the Nutcracker's bed, over-whelmed by the moment._

"Alright, alright!" Clara groaned fanning herself in a hammy manner. "OHHHHH! I AM SO OVERWHELMED! OH! I AM GOING TO FALL OVER! Ohhhh!" And so she fell back onto the bed.

_The Nutcracker laid down next to her._

"...With this whole gender-swap thing... I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel vulnerable or not..."

_Just then, angels and delightful music began to hover over their heads, the bed then turned into a magical sleigh! It began floating higher, and higher into the night!_

"Drugs..." Clara said, looking down over the town she called home from above. "It's always drugs..."

_As they soared through the skies, the Nutcracker then transformed into a human prince (who looks strikingly similar to Drosselmeyer's nephew)._

"My love..." He gingerly took her by shoulders, "I am restored!"

"How the **** did Xion just turn into Saïx...?" Clara asked as she pulled away.

"What are you talking about, dearest?" the prince asked.

"Nothing... Can I go now?"

"Haha! Not quite yet, my love! I have an adventure to take you on first! I must do at least that to thank for restoring me!"

"No no! I didn't do anything! Really, there's no need to thank-"

_The prince immediately took control of Clara's sleigh and drove it through a snowy forest, where the snowflakes turn into dancing maidens. _

"...Wow..." Clara sat and stared, wide-eyed at the sight of the astonishing dancers. "This gets even MORE suggestive... Is that Larxene...?!"

"They are lovely, aren't they, my dear?" The prince noted as he watched the dances the maidens performed for them. "These are the most beautiful women who ever lived! Well, except for you, my darling!" The prince turned to her and smiled.

"Yeah, you charmer you..."

_After their magical journey through the snow forest, they came to their destination of the Land of Sweets._

"The Candy-Man can..." Clara murmured the tune softly to herself as they walked through the wafer-paved streets. "Man! I can't wait to see how FAT these people are. I can't believe I forgot my phone... I could start the grossest Facebook meme known to man..."

_Upon their arrival at the Plum Castle, they are greeted by the Sugar Plum Fairy. _

"..."

"..."

_Ahem; Upon their arrival at the Plum Castle, they are greeted by the Sugar Plum Fairy. _

"...Please gouge out my eyes now! XALDIN!" Clara screamed. "You weigh like 700 pounds!"

"Teehee!" The hairy fairy laughed. "Well, what did you expect? Not much else to eat around here but sweets (yum!) you know! And I have a biggggggg appetite!"

_As permanently scarred as Clara was from the sight of the Sugar Plum Fairy, she still manages to help the prince reenact the night's events as they sit down to a meal, (with minor embellishments on her part.) The fairy becomes impressed with Clara's bravery and the Nutcracker's heroism._

"My! How marvelous!" She squealed when they had finished the tale. "Building a flamethrower on such short notice! And with nothing but a marshmallow! Amazing! Simply amazing!" The Sugar Plum Fairy looked to Clara with amazement.

"Ah, it was nothing!" the girl replied, grinning. "Though it was no small feat I suppose."

"...I still can't believe I forgot that..." The prince sighed, angry with himself.

_In their honor, the Sugar Plum Fairy takes them inside the Candy Castle and throws a lavish festival. They are sat upon thrones in the castle courtyard, and are treated like royalty. In addition, they are presented with every imaginable sweet known to the world._

"Hey! Let's see some Toblerones up here Marluxia!" Clara yelled, snapping her fingers at the vassal attending her. "Come on! Move it! I don't have all night!"

"Patience, my dear!" The prince chastised, stroking her hair. "It will come - don't worry."

"Yeah, yeah, Pinocchio; whatever." Clara waved him off. "And bring me up some milkshakes while you're at it! I'll need something to wash down all that chocolate!

_Shortly thereafter, the dancing began._

"You want me to dance when I just ate, like, 200 pounds of candy?! You have gotta be kidding!"

_Ahem; shortly thereafter, the dancing began._

"You know, I'm getting tired of you pulling that 'Ahem' card all the time! Knock it off!"

_The Narrator said; Shortly thereafter, the dancing began._

"That's the lamest joke I've ever heard..." Clara said as she began to dance a waltz with the prince. "Hey! Easy with the hands there, buddy!"

* * *

"Urgh... I feel sick..."

_After the ballroom dancing was all over, and Clara and the prince were again seated on the their thrones, a silence fell over the courtyard._

"...Something bad's about to down... I can feel it..."

_All of a sudden, a handsome Cavalier entered the scene, riding majestically upon a grand white steed!_

"...Wait... is that Lexaeus... or-"

_He rides up to the Sugar Plum Fairy, and escorts her to the center of the room. And together they dance._

"...I hope for his sake this isn't one of those things where you have to lift the woman above your head... Cause not even HE could- oh... I guess he could... Wait-wait! No! He could not... Um, could we get a medic over here? ...And a crane...?"

_This beautiful dance (and gruesome aftermath) completed Clara's most perfect evening._

"Perfect?! HAH! I've had dentist appointments more 'perfect' than this! Is it finally DONE?!"

_The festival concludes with everyone coming together on the court and bidding Clara and the Nutcracker Prince farewell. The two wave joyously to their new friends as they depart in the sleigh. Clara peeks out the back of the wagon and gives her goodbyes._

"Yeah, yeah; bye! See ya! Aloha! I hope I never see your faces again! Ta! Toodle-oo!"

* * *

_Sometime later, after the two had floated along by themselves, watching the stars in the night sky twinkle, Clara lays her head on her prince's shoulder, and tells him she wishes their adventure would never end._

"..."

"..."

"...You know what... I'm not even going to TRY and fight it; cause I have a feeling we're nearing the end here." Clara laid her head down.

"What is it, my love?" The prince asked.

"Pinocchio..." Clara began slowly, trying to get the sappy words out, "I-I hope... I... hope... That we can just stay together... forever..." She then stuck out tongue. "Ew... I feel violated..."

"My dear!" the prince replied, embracing her tightly, "we will! We will always be together! As long as you have an eye to see it."

_Clara looked up._

"...What the hell kind of cheesy statement is- huh?"

_Clara found herself lying, the next morning, underneath the Christmas tree._

"How did... Huh...?" She looked down to find her Nutcracker... still in her arms. "Oh... It was all a drea-

"Hello darling!" It said.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"...Woah..." Zexion sat straight up in bed, sweating and shaking. "...It's like Inception..."

"What is, honey?" Demyx asked, yawning as he rolled over to face him.

"**AHHHHHHHHHH**!"

* * *

_Author's Note: ...You know what I wondered when this was done? _

_HOW does this ballet relate to Christmas at all...?_

_A review would be awesome guys! Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!_


End file.
